jamesthedog: (Default)
My aunt passed away yesterday morning. It still hasn't properly hit me yet. She'd been unwell for a while, but all this happened so fast.  She's one of the closest and most important people in my life and I'm never going to see her again, and it's going to take a long time to adjust to this.

Less than 6 weeks ago I went to the hospital with her and my mum to get the results of tests she'd had, and got the shocking news she had lung cancer. She already had COPD and she'd been unwell for a while, but we didn't expect this. It was terminal, but we all expected she had a fair bit of time left, a few months, maybe a year or so, we didn't expect her to go downhill so fast. While I was at Confuzzled, 4 weeks ago, she was taken into hospital and never came out.

It's hard to believe that only last Saturday she was walking round her hospital room, doing excercises in front of the window determined to "get well" so they could treat her (though we'd already been told she wouldn't be treated, though she didn't want to know. Though we were told she had 6-8 weeks left, we didn't think she'd be gone just over a week later).

The last week's been more heartbreaking than anything, just watching her go more and more downhill in such a short space of time. Friday, the last time I saw her, was heartbreaking, and I spent half an hour holding her hand, crying and telling her not to go. But she did.

And this is all down to smoking. My aunt was a lifelong smoker, I've always hated smoking, but I hate it even more now. Having lost my aunt before her time (she was only 66, which is no age to go), watching her health slowly go downhill, watching both her and my family suffer in the last few days of her life, it's totally horiffic, and I hope the tobacco companies are happy with the blood money they get from doing this to people.

I was planning on coming to the Sheffield meet next weekend, though I still can't guarantee I'll be there yet or not because of all this and how I was feeling. If I am there, I'll appreciate all the support I can get from any of you who are there as well.

I'm not in the mood just yet to properly sort out my plans for EF yet either. I posted an appeal for a roomie on UKFur but haven't read the thread back yet because I haven't felt like it, though I guess I'll have to over the next couple of days. And if anyone can help me out with travel plans, that would be much apprectiated too.

I just need all the hugs and cuddles and support I can get right now, this has been very difficult and heartbreaking for me, any support than can be offered will be much apprecated.


May. 20th, 2012 11:26 pm
jamesthedog: (aroused)

Just installed the LJ app on my smartphone and seeing if it works. Not that I ever use LJ these days.

jamesthedog: (Default)
I think I'm losing my mind. Over the last couple of weeks my sister's been round, and as a result my niece has been with her. She's only 1 year old, so obviously nothing's her fault, but she's awake very early every morning, plus very noisy even through the day, so I'd been managing, at best 4 or 5 hours of sleep each night- trying to go to bed early hasn't helped, though some days I did manage to claw back an hour or two in the afternoon, while things were quite. Very quickly, I started feeling very ill from sleep deprivation, I've been feeling sick, and barely being able to concentrate, plus headaches from the baby's crying (I know this isn't either her or my sister's fault, so I can't be angry at anyone for it), and one day last week I felt so ill I was actually crying. I did ask another fur if I could stay there for a couple of nights, but backed out from worry of offending my mum or my sister.

My sister went home on Sunday, but I've still been having trouble getting into my sleep patterns- some nights I haven't been able to get to sleep until 4 or 5 AM, and then I still wake up when I usually do and can't get back to sleep after. Again I can claw back an hour of two in the afternoons, but can't get more than that- and early nights don't help as I just lie there awake.

What's worse is my memory of the last few days is a blur. I'm struggling to work out what actually happenned and what I've dreamt. I know yesterday I went to Meadowhall for Christmas shopping and was so tired I could barely concentrate and hardly bought anything (and probably wasn't really in a fit state to drive either- but mum insisted). I have vague memories of browing Amazon for some Christmas present DVDs when I got home, and watching EastEnders and Corrie (though I can't remember what happened). The fact I woke up this morning to find comments on FA left on a photo (of me in my fursuit, holding our VHS copy of The Lion King) which I have absolutly no memory of taking is worrying (not to mention why the hell I took that photo in the first place). I feel I have to apologise in advance for any bizarre MSN conversations I might have had over the past few days that I have lttle to no memory of- I particuarly have to apologise to someone because I was completely out of it when I had that conversation (though I can at least remember it).

I really need to try and make up all this sleep I've lost now, because I'm worried about how this deprivtion's affecting me. f I don't get any better in the next week or so I may need to see a doctor...
jamesthedog: (Default)
I'm watching this on the news, all I can be is angry. This is disgusting, absolutly vile. These aren't riots, it's not as if they've even fighting for a cause or to achieve anything, this is just feral chav scum having an excuse to have a jolly. Smash shops, nick stuff, torch cars. They're not even adults, they're all kids. There's something seriously wrong with these people to want to behave like this. On the news earlier there was a woman crying because her house had been torched and she'd lost everything. These are real people with real homes and real livelyhoods which are being totally destroyed just so some people who are worse than scum can have a good laugh. It makes me so angry and upset, it's disgusting. How would they like it if their houses or their souped-up chavmobiles were torched or their houses were burgled? They wouldn't like it at all, yet they think it's acceptable, and actually get a thrill out of doing it to innocent people who have actually done nothing. I hope all the people responsible get caught and locked up for a very long time because this is just unacceptable.
jamesthedog: (aroused)
So, after avoiding the "Bronie" fad of the fandom of the past 6 months or so, after finding out that the My Little Pony cartoon was starting to be run on Boomerang here in the UK, and having sod all else to do at 3PM in the afternoon (and already having the TV on, watching the butchered Only Fools and Horses repeats, even though I do have all the DVDs!), I decided to give it a go, and try an watch the first week's worth of episodes at least.

Long review under here )
jamesthedog: (Default)
My mum was reading the newspaper on Saturday, there was one of the kajillion articles about this yawnfest of a wedding, saying how William is showering Kate with tens of thousands of pounds of gifts, and things like £800 bottles of champagne. She was commenting on how disgusting this is- that at the moment everyone's suffering with pay cuts, price hikes, tax rises, the threats of losing their jobs etc. and here they are openly flaunting money about like nobody's business (and it's all our money, to boot), and we're supposed to be happy for them and celebrating this fact- that they can have a posh wedding at our expense when millions of people in the country are struggling to make ends meet? I don't think I've heard a better comment made about this wedding, and I don't think I will.

And, just a point to any non-brits reading this, despite the impression you might be getting from the media, the UK is not awash with excitement and anticipation. Sure, the media is, and it's all over the TV and the newspapers, but try and find a member of the public who's the least bit excited about it, and you're going to struggle. Nearly everyone I know is sick of hearing about it, is going to be avoiding TV on Friday and just can't wait for it to be over and done with. This media saturation and open flaunting of money is spreading resentment, not excitement.
jamesthedog: (Default)
As I'm sure plenty of you have seen on the news this week, the governments reform of disability benefits. Basically, over the next 2-3 years they're calling in around 10,000 people a week to be "re-assesed"- basically dragging them for an interview, in front of a nurse who knows little about people's situations and gives them a test that even the person who designed it has admitted is not fit for purpose. In trials they apparently found 70% of people are supposedly fit for work- 30% can go to work immediately and will be shoved onto Jobseekers allowance, and a further 40% who can do it "with further help"- basically meaning they have to attend regular classes and have their benefits cut or stopped if they don't.

How does this affect me? Well, as I'm sure many of you know, I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, and I claim both Incapacity and DLA. I am simply not able to work. I have tried, I've been for interviews, I've done work experience, I've done voluntary work, every time I've cracked under the strain, burst into tears, broken down and been treated badly by other people who do not understand me- there's simply no way I'd be able to easily cope in work or hold down a job. Because I "seem" normal and OK a lot of the time doesn't mean I am. It's impossible to say I haven't tried hard to get into work, because, quite simply I have. Yet this is worrying me a lot- there's plenty of stories of people who have been in the trial areas who have been kicked off of benefits, plenty of which are in my situation, some who are even worse. It's seriously bothering me, if I have that safety net pulled from under me, I seriously don't know how I'd cope. It's worrying me so much I was nearly in tears yesterday, I felt sick and we've booked an appointment with my social worker for the first time in 4 years. And I know I'm not the only one- 3 of my mum's colleagues have close family on Incapacity, and they're all feeling exactly the same.

I am personally sick & tired of reading the Daily Mail attitude to these things. Over the past few years, the right wing media has done an excellent job of demonising people who are disabled and on benefits, all you see are stories printed about "lazy layabouts", "benefit scroungers" and whatever, and the sad thing, people are taken in by it. The belief that anyone on benefits is a lazy scrounger seems to be as commonplace as the belief that Gordon Brown & Labour entirely caused and were responsible for the global financial crisis- just as nonsense, but it's come from the same place and believed by the same people. These people seem to believe that unless you're missing all you're limbs and stuck in a wheelchair, then you're not disabled, and if you can pick up a pen or use a computer then you're "fit for work". I'm a member of a forum that's overrun by these Tory voting Daily Mail reading types, and there's actually a thread on this subject, and I'm personally not prepared to even admit on there that I have Asperger's or claim benefits because I know I'd get nothing but abuse. And sadly, the people in the discussion who have admitted their disabilities have been treated exactly that way- some of them have been as good as laughed at, and I personally find it quite disgusting, some of the things said to people have been really nasty. Sadly it's these sorts of views that have basically led to the government doing things like this to try and appease these vicious people and win votes. Seriously, this sort of attitude actually makes me feel sick.

Another thing I hate is the idea that being on benefits is the easy life. It is not. First, you have to learn to live with your problems- which is not easy. Second, you're stuck on your own at home a lot of the time- which is crap. Thirdly, the money's not brilliant either, I'd earn a hell of a lot more doing even a minimum wage job. The newspapers publish stories about people living "the high life" (then mention they're buying things like DVD players and Flat Screen TVs as if they're expensive luxuries) which isn't true for a second- if they are, then they're on the fiddle and probably have a job on the side. The only reason I can afford to get to meet & cons is because I don't spend much of it elsewhere- I'd rather save it up and go out and about and actually do things than spend it on tons of DVDs, games consoles, games and the like which would only serve to keep me in the house anyway. The Leeds meet at the end of the month and ConFuzzled next month are literally the only things I have to look forward to right now. I'd give anything to be able to trade in my problems and be able to live a normal life. Seriously, if these people had to trade places with someone like me for a few weeks, they'd be thankful they're able to work and live a normal life.

Yes, it's true that there's a lot of fraudelent claimers out there, and a lot of people on benefits for silly reasons, and maybe they do need to be weeded out, but is this seriously the way to go about it? It's causing genuine distress to a lot of people out there, and the result is going to throw a hell of genuine people off benefits, including some of the most vulnerable people in society who cannot easily stick up for or defend themselves. But, hey, surely it's good for the government to go for the easy targets, rather than the people who are really costing the country money, like the bankers, and all the rich tax evaders out there, who are costing us many times more than benefits cheats could ever dream of. The line one of the ministers came out the other day which said "if you are genuine, you have nothing to fear" is complete bullshit.
jamesthedog: (Default)
This arrived in the post a little over an hour ago:

I love it already! It's absolutly brilliant! So looking forward to being able to wear it out and about- hopefully making my debut at the Leeds meet next month, if not then you'll definately be seeing plenty of me at Confuzzled!

Note to self: never try and use a digital camera while in suit again!
jamesthedog: (Default)
And not 5 minutes after posting my last WIP picture, here's another one of the head nearly finished!

jamesthedog: (Default)
Recieved the first WIP pictures of my fursuit on Sunday- looking good, should hopefully be ready in the next few weeks- in plenty of time for Confuzzled! Still needs his hair and eyes at the moment!


Dec. 1st, 2010 02:38 pm
jamesthedog: (aroused)
Can't belive the snow here! It's been snowing heavily here virtually non-stop for around 36 hours. Went out in the garden this morning to find that the snow is literally knee deep- nearly 2 feet deep! And it's bound to get worse if it keeps snowing. We were meant to be going Christmas shopping in Meadowhall today- not a chance of that. Both our cars are buried and the road is so deep in snow that they're going nowhere. We took the effort to get to the bus stop so we could at least get into town- but the buses are all cancelled, which shows how bad it is.

Click here for snowy photos )

In other news, I've just commissioned my first fursuit from http://www.hybridfursuits.com/. I'll try and keep this blog posted with any news and WIP photos of it, and obviously a picture of me wearing it once it's finished.
jamesthedog: (Hungry)
Last week, I had to by a new charger for my laptop, after the wire on the connector on the old one had bought and snapped (it was still usuble, with tape round it, but not really fit to keep). I bought a replacement from Amazon- a genuine Dell charger, that the listing said was for my particular model (an inspiron 1525), and it arrived on Wednesday, and I've been using it for the last couple of days. All of a sudden, when I tried to use my laptop this evening- the charger wouldn't work. The light on it would come on for a couple of seconds at a time, then go off again- and my laptop would also recognise it being plugged in for just as briefly, then after a while it would do it again. I switched the laptop off and kept plugging it in and unplugging it. The light usually didn't come on straight away- it would come on after around 10 or 20 seconds, then the gap between it going off and coming on again would get shorter and after a few minutes the light stayed on, then all of a sudden, there's a pop, a puff of smoke, and a hole's been melted in the mains lead! Thankfully, the laptop was switched off at this point, and it seems undamaged anyway- it's woking perfectly fine, though I'm using the dwonstairs computer right now rather than running the battery down.

To be honest, I'm thinking I've been caught out by a dodgy chinese fake. While I thought I was buying through Amazon, on closer inspection, it's actually a third party seller, who do their business through Amazon who stock in in their warehouses and dispatch it (and I have to send it back to Amazon for a refund), and reading through their feedback now there seems to be a lot of complaints about fake products and things like this happenning after only a few days.if this is true, i'm suprised Amazon allow such shodiness to be sold in their name- thank god my laptop seems to be undamaged.
jamesthedog: (aroused)
Over the last few weeks it's been dawning on me increasingly- I need to lose weight. I've been noticing myself getting bigger, and it's got to the point now where some of my pairs of trousers don't fasten properly, and my t-shirts are starting to feel tight (I can't believe how tight the shirt I bought at EF feels on me!). Part of the problem has been, over the past few months especially, I've been going too far. It's not neccecerially what I eat, but how much- and I've not only been having too big portions, it's other things- like not enough excersise, and fitting stuff inbetween meals. Extra snacks, sandwiches, crisps, biscuits etc and cooking extra meals. Buying coke rather than fruit cordial, going to the shops and buying multipacks of crisps, and chocolate bars and other stuff that I simply don't need. I've got to the stage where it's quite obvious I need to lose a stone or two. Part of the problem is, whenever I try and do this, I just feel miserable- I can't eat the stuff I enjoy as much, and I feel hungry a lot of the time too (in fact I do right now, but I need to resist the urge to raid the fridge).

There's little things I'm going to do that will hopefully make a difference too- for example tomorrow we're going into town tommorrow, and going to McDonalds. Usually I have a large quarter pounder with cheese meal- instead I'm going to have a cheesburger and regular fries and coke, and I'm going to walk home rather than go in the car. Hopefully all these things will add up and make a difference. Within a few weeks I want to be able to feel the difference when I put on a t-shirt or try and fasten my trousers.

The problem is, I've done this before a few times over the past few years, and I always end up lapsing, and end up eventually putting the weight back on anyway. It's hard to lose weight, but it seems it's even harder to keep it off...

Oh god...

Jun. 23rd, 2010 10:32 pm
jamesthedog: (Default)
For the last 20 or so minutes, all I've been getting from Asda car park is a load of people beeping car horns and a load of thuggish "Eng-ur-land" chants. And the game finished, what, 6 hours ago? I can't shut the window to drown it out because it's too damn hot. This is just another reason why I cannot stand football, hate it when big tournaments are on and just can't wait for them to be over (or for England to be knocked out, at least), just so that it stops...
jamesthedog: (Default)
After going downstairs after the England game had finished (everyone else in the house was watching it, I was avoiding it by watching DVDs in my bedroom) I was asked just why I'm so determined to avoid it all and want England to go out at the earliest opportunity. I said one of the reasons is I get sick of both fans and the media banging on about 1966 all the time and clinging onto it as if it still means something. No sooner had I ended my sentence, then one of the presenters on TV starts going on about 1966! Couldn't help but laugh- just proves my point!

I gather it was vaguely interesting, with viewers watching in HD being treated to an advert cutting in and missing the first goal, which no doubt infuriated a great number of people- which I find amusing, especially reading some internet posts, you'd think someone had died! I'm sure they all got to see the goal in the inevitable 500 action replays anyway!


Jun. 11th, 2010 11:01 am
jamesthedog: (Default)
The World Cup starts today. I think I'll be going into hiding for the next few weeks to avoid it all. Wake me up once England's been knocked out- it at least becomes tolerable once that happens,,,
jamesthedog: (Sexy Evita)
Noticed at the end of last week that Magic TV have revamped and launched a brand new set of idents. While I think they're a bit odd and don't really fit in with the channel, I can't help but notice one of the idents begins with this. As a complete sucker for cartoon foxes, I couldn't help but fall in love with it straight away ;-)

On another music channel related note, I notice this weekend that The Vault has started repeating old ITV Chart Show episodes again, which has got me in full geek mode. They seem to be showing the episodes in order this time (starting in October 1997) rather than showing random episodes from different years (which admittedly I preferred).
jamesthedog: (Default)
Tonight is the final night I will be spending in this bedroom. Over the last couple of days, we've been redecorating my sister's old bedroom, and tomorrow I will be moving my furniture and things in there and will be sleeping in there for the first time. It's quite sad in a way- as I've been in this bedroom for the last 20 years, so I've grown up in it. But it really is just too small for me. It's been frustrating me for years, but when my sister was living at home there was nothing I could do about it, and even after she moved out it's been a battle to finally be able to move. She still sees the room as being hers, even though she hasn't lived here for 3 years, and both her and my mum who were reluctant for me to paint over some mural thing my aunt did several years ago- only a few months ago did mum finally agree to let me paint over it, and tell my sister she has no say in the matter. I'm sure I'm going to hear loads from her about it next time I see her though...

After that, this room's being redecorated into a room for my nephew, and my sister's kid (whatever it's going to be). Even the carpet's going, which is quite sad- it's been down since we first moved into this house, which makes it older than me!

Anyway, here's some last photos of this room before I move out. Sadly this rooms too small to really be able to get any decent photos...

jamesthedog: (Default)
David Cameron's our new prime minister- how depressing...


May. 10th, 2010 05:51 pm
jamesthedog: (Default)
Got back from Confuzzled a few hours ago. Had a good time for the most part. Met [livejournal.com profile] enteirah and [livejournal.com profile] bruno_meles again, and met [livejournal.com profile] keenyfox and Lev for the first time as well. Spent a lot of time sitting around and chatting, and me, Ent, Bruno and Keen were the team in the furry pub quiz on the first night. We didn't win, but it was all for fun anyway. Went to a few other events and did a few other things as well, and me and Keen drove up to McDonalds on the Sunday night as well.

The only real problem I had was on the last night- I had little choice but to sit out the art auction, and as everyone I knew had gone in there I had no-one to talk to for 3 hours and I felt a bit crappy because of it. Was quite pleased to find out later that Lev had gone out of his way to make sure that I wasn't in there after he saw some of the "artwork" that was on show (though I'd already decided to not go in there anyway). I wish there were more furs like Lev. Being over 18 and furry doesn't mean you like, or can even tolerate porn- at least he understands that, it's a shame more people don't.

Overall though, I enjoyed it and had a good time- looking forward to next year already.
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